Strange to be sitting here on the last day of a family holiday wanting to write this blog with so many thoughts and words whirling around in my head.
But I am compelled to quickly write about an interesting array of emotions, feelings, and actions that have all been part of our family holiday.
We are in Lanzarote; glorious sunshine, sports galore, fantastic food, and the great outdoors to enjoy. Our holiday destination is focused on being active, sport with the delights of delicious food, especially seafood, and of course our family.
The family consists of me, Andrew, and two of my three boys, my mother and her husband, my brother and wife, and their two young children.
An opportunity to all be together, spend precious time enjoying the company of extended family.
Potentially idyllic or a cocktail destined for disaster? Is life always what it seems or what we expect?
I write on the last day, hours before we leave the resort of Club La Santa after a fantastic week but not in the way I had imagined.
I have actually been quite stunned at the behaviour of my brother, his mood swings, selfishness, lack of compassion and sensitivity to those around him; especially his own family and of course my mother.
His presence during family moments created such a strong sense of negativity I thought anyone of us may implode at any time if we got too close to him.
The intensity of anger, frustration, and what I sensed as jealousy was extremely evident at times.
In the end, I avoided him, totally afraid of any comments or actions I may say or make that could possibly antagonize him, which I would then want to respond to and possibly say something I would later regret and upset my mother in the process.
The question that is playing on my mind and others around him; is he suffering from depression?
This is something that he has suffered with before and it consumed his very being, making him untouchable, unbearable and created enormous mood swings that meant those in his company were never sure what to expect.
My mother frets, worries, and often wells with tears at the anguish it causes directly and indirectly. I used to have a close relationship with my brother but after too many snappy comments from him of late, I now choose to keep my distance, protect myself, and in essence avoid being near him.
What a great pity and perhaps I am a coward but honestly how many times can we be the punch bag for those that choose to throw the punches? In truth not as often as they may want us to be, and if that is letting your brother down, then I will have to accept I am guilty. But without knowing for sure what his problem is, I would say his anger with his life is overflowing, it is strangling his very being, and that makes me sad.
How can you teach people to enjoy their life, love their family, and just be happy when they don’t know how to be contented. They appear to resent you, your actions, misinterpret your words and appear so tense and uptight that you feel they are living on the edge of an almighty explosion that may happen at any time.
For years my brother has remarked to me – I am not like you, I can’t share your enthusiasm, your impulses, I can’t live in the moment and not worry like you do. And I am not always buoyant or happy, neither do I walk through life without my days of despair, worrying moments – all documented in my blog for all to read – and this year has definitely had its awful times.
I am sad for him but I also feel very sad for me – I have lost my easy-going relationship and connection with my only sibling, my brother. It has been a real strain at times being a happy family on holiday together, and one I do not wish to repeat. I feel sorry for my mother who felt considerably torn with emotions during the week and instigated and paid for the big family holiday.
But I did have a good holiday because I love holidays, I love my family, all the activities and spending precious time with various family members but it just wasn’t how I had envisaged our first big family holiday all together.