Four things loomed over me as September approached, and in no particular order they are,
Tom going to Uni
Planning appeal decision
Kickstarter campaign
New job
Yesterday as I was sitting in a black cab with my little niece and nephew I checked my phone, and there was the long-awaited email from my appeal officer.
Do you open it, or do you leave it? Do you think this could be the best bit of news I have heard all year, or do you think if I read it now how will I cope with the possible disappointment whilst sitting here without another adult around, and keep smiling.
I opened it. It was bad news, the worst possible outcome for me. I read it, I closed the email. I looked up at my four-year nephew opposite me who was smiling from ear to ear looking out of the black cab window. This was his first time in a black cab and it turned out to be the highlight of our fun-packed day in London! I had just received the news I never wanted to receive, the gamble had not paid off, I had not won, I had lost. I had lost everything. And yet here was a little person smiling about passing buses and cars and waving at every passerby.
I am absolutely devastated, floored, emotionally empty and I now want to name those that have made my life so challenging to date.
The verdict is in, I must take it and deal with it. But I am truly and unreservedly very sad.
I won’t be reaching for a handful of prescription pills, putting a gun to my head, or tying a noose around my neck but I want to wallow in this great disappointment for a while. Because it has cost me dearly and in choosing my actions it has allowed others to show their colours, and the strength of feeling I have witnessed and been subjected to will not vanish from my mind for a long time.
I am suffering from the after-shock of an emotional kind. Yes, self-inflicted if some want to be more gruel but I followed a path and never expected to meet so much vindictive outpouring on my travels.
I have heard so much tripe over the years about how people perceive me,
I’m confident
I’m outgoing
I don’t show my emotions enough
I’m dogmatic
I’m too enthusiastic
I’m competitive
I’m strong-willed
But right now I’m none of those things, I am broken beyond anyone’s comprehension and extremely hurt.
Oh yes, I will move forward and life goes on. And I don’t want to hear one word about how I will be alright, every fucking cloud has a silver lining and everything happens for a reason. Just sometimes life is FUCKING UNFAIR – and right now I don’t want to DEAL WITH IT.
So my best possible way to pour out the madness that is whirring around in my head is to type. Type it all out.
Who are you?
To the residents of Stone Street Faversham in particular Helen Carr and Daniel Waller.
Your hate campaign which consisted of laminated posters that adorned lamp posts, posts on Facebook, letters to all local residents one Sunday afternoon, and a local press campaign citing my proposed house would infringe on your privacy. Your actions and words will never be forgotten.
No 17– recent neighbour and so-called friend of seven years. Your comments online and attendance at a local council meeting have made me question if you know what friendship truly is. Your rallying with neighbours even though you moved into the street some few months earlier and your supposed innocent actions have caused me so much heartache I can’t even begin to tell you. My proposed house would not have affected you or the neighbours that complained. Ironically in April, you submitted plans to improve your home and build an extension, this act has not been lost on me nor the hypocrisy of your actions.
No 15 – your comments online about the proposed build were personal, very personal, hurtful, vindictive, and horrendous. You are an absolute bitch. Currently, as I write I am listening to a nematic drill at your home removing tonnes of concrete as your extensive extension is being built off the back of your big house. However, you are nowhere to be seen, as you are not being subjected to the noise, inconvenience, or dust as you are currently residing in your other home! Lucky you.
No 21 – you have surpassed yourself with your comments. Again you cited personal reasons, and your comments have stung. I hadn’t realised you had made comments online until much later in 2015 but it was after you and Barry had ignored me and not sent me a Christmas card that I thought something was a miss. Obviously, you felt awkward about your comments, as you never accepted my invitation to chat or come and see the proposed plot. Twelve years we have been neighbours, just goes to show how easy it is to feel a lack of compassion for your neighbours.
Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee – Faversham Pools. Total hypocrites and two-faced shits. In November 2015 when you received notifications that a planning application for a house was being proposed in my garden, on seeing you at a business meeting you both said you wouldn’t see any problems with it. I then said I had considered the plans to respect its position and closeness to the pool boundary, to which you duly responded that you knew I would. Later you commented to the local press that the proposed house may affect children’s health and safety and the comments “house suitable for a paedophile were mentioned!”. Ricky, you later apologised to me and said you meant no offense and the words were put into your mouth by the press but I noted you were happy to pose for a picture! Ricky after teaching your children to swim over the years and counting you as a friend, I now see your head dips when you see me, well I can well see why. Oh yes, and while I remember, Roger as Manager of Faversham Pools you allowed the committee to convince you (apparently) that it was within the public interest to read about the proposed house build whilst visiting the pools. Nine laminated posters were fixed to walls, doors, and in the changing room area and one in reception. The receptionist (accosted) invited all pool users to submit comments online.
I worked for years as a volunteer teaching swimming at Faversham Pools – just goes to show you can’t trust anyone these days.
Chairman of Faversham Pools Committee. You are a spineless man. You allowed the laminated posters to be placed in the pool premises. They intimidated me and my family, they were aimed at causing panic and encouraged people to make negative comments. When I challenged you and said how hurtful your hate campaign was you then apologised and said it wasn’t meant to upset you. Really, what was its intent then?
Swale Planning officers – you mislead me, you lied, and cost me dearly. I hate you all from the bottom of my heart for what I have been put through. This whole process started four years ago with a question and a visit to the site by an officer. The comments led to the submission of a pre-plan which we worked on together for two years, it then led to us submitting a plan and the rest is history. Your lack of consistency, understanding of the planning process, the stress it causes, and actual costs to others financially and emotionally is frightening. I have suffered because of a broken system that should be fixed.
So here I am.
Living in the heart of a town I had for years held so dear but right now at this very moment, it is the town that has residents that made a process extremely painful, personal, malicious, and unkind. They have won, and in the aftermath, I lick my wounds and look around and now hold a dislike for the town, many of its residents, and realise I am out of my league.
I don’t fit in and I want to leave.
This is one of the posters that adorned Cross Lane earlier in the year. The picture of the proposed house was outsized, and the posters were put in public places to incite fear and concerns. However, it matters not anymore my planning application is now over.
I would just like to mention the posters were vicious and I hated walking to work and seeing them.
