Last Sunday early doors we returned from a glorious week sailing in Croatia with family. A week of enjoying the delights of the Adriatic sea, seafood, sunshine, and relaxation. There was drama too, as my eldest very aptly stated one evening “every day is carnage in Croatia!”. This was after one afternoon when sailing conditions had been awesome, high winds and choppy seas had meant the 46′ Bavaria was licking up the speed and the boat was slicing through the water, leaning quite heavily when suddenly the dingy freed itself from its holding on the deck and fell into the water. Suddenly we had to spring into action to rescue the dingy and sail out of the wind making the large sails batter frantically in the wind, which makes one feel like you’re out of control plus the sound is rather beating and distressing. The adrenalin pumped as we tried to get an inflatable boat on board in high waves with winds, an interesting challenge too.
Holidays are for creating memories of good times together, relaxing, and reconnecting with each other. I can happily say we managed to do all of that, plus laugh loads and have some great conversations too.
My children asked me “are you still writing that blog thing?”
I replied I was, and why did it matter.
They were interested to know the title and why I did it.
I resisted telling them too much, I said it wasn’t really important, and it’s really a self-indulgent thing I did to release thoughts, feelings into a space that didn’t interfere, upset, or annoy others.
Yet again my eldest made me laugh when he said: “blimey what have you got to moan about, you are a middle-class mother that has lovely holidays and a house!”
Good point but does that mean you aren’t affected by others’ words, actions, and injustice?
Does it mean that whilst life can seem outwardly wonderful, inwardly there can be turmoil, strife and anxiety?
Right now I am in a great place but actually, only have £100 in my current account to last me the next two weeks! So it’s not always about money but about what makes us happy. I love having enough money, who doesn’t, but ultimately I like it when life feels in the balance. Andrew my partner of three years moved into our family home in June, the boys are growing fast and provide endless moments of pure joy, pride, and exasperation in the same measure. And on Tuesday the inspector for my planning appeal visited the proposed plot of land. I had a nightmare the night before, I dreamt I went out, and no one was here to let them in. I don’t know when I will know the outcome of the inspector’s visit but some part of me is just relieved it is all over now. There is nothing more I can do, I have spent every last penny of my savings on the appeal and the decision is out of my hands.
Why is it so liberating to have nothing yet feel free? Because ultimately money gives us choices, I choose to spend my last £5,000 of savings on fighting an appeal, a principle of my rights. It may be the stupidest thing I ever do, or it may be the best. But I made the choice based on the fact if you don’t fight for what you believe to be right, then you will always live in wonder of what may have been, not in the here and now, and feeling alive with optimism. However, I do need to be prepared for the let-down, the disappointment, and hurt. But it won’t be worse than before, and I have already decided; if I am unsuccessful I will sell up and move to another place and together we will start a new era and that will be a great thing too.
So I am feeling alive, optimistic, and completely broke but I have happy holiday memories, a home, great children, and a fab partner.