Strangely as a vocal outspoken person who believes in being upfront, honest and open I am really struggling with this dilemma. Now it has to be said I have given my opinion for what’s worth but really can’t believe she is not getting how bad this is or listening to my opinion if I’m honest.
Or am I so far off the radar I need someone to sit me down and say “Lucy you are way off here?”
Ok, here it is, all of it. You decide, what do you think?
A friend, she will be called Poppy for the sake of this blog, recently recognised after many agonising years her marriage was over. Sadly the parting of the ways was slow and in the end, Poppy decided she would move out of the family home, and live in a home she owned some 10 miles away as the tenants had just vacated. Poppy moved one weekend and overtime we visited and noted the home was not near public transport and enquired what were the arrangements regarding the children (16 and 18) who schooled near the family home. Now it won’t surprise you to learn the children didn’t really want the upheaval from their family home, away from friends and school although I am sure they missed their mother, Poppy. The reason it never shocked me was that the children would rather stay where they were as I myself have children the same age, and love and convenience are two different things. Convenience and ease are much more important to mature teenagers, and change is not popular especially if it involves some effort.
Over time Poppy realised the move had been good in separating her from the trauma of being unhappy within the family home with her estranged husband but now new unhappiness was filling her, she missed her children dreadfully. They just weren’t visiting and the husband wasn’t exactly encouraging the situation to change either. We (a few friends) did suggest that she should move back to her hometown, live nearer the children, an easy walk away where they could easily visit, hang out and get to school. It seemed so logical.
Meanwhile, Poppy’s husband offered to help too! He coincidently had a bungalow to rent on his books – he runs an estate agent. This bungalow was slightly out of town but Poppy convinced herself it was the solution she needed. We told her otherwise, this bungalow was not the solution she needed, it wasn’t close enough, sounded grim and was doing her husband a favour.
Poppy didn’t listen and moved in with our help. The day I stepped inside the three-bedroom 1970’s throw-back bungalow with patterned wallpaper, carpets, and a peach bathroom I could have wept! It was depression personified. The bastard I thought, as I imagined Poppy’s husband counting his money every month and feeling pleased with himself that he had shifted this revolting bungalow from his books!
Six months on, and the children still don’t visit much. They hate Poppy’s home, and who can blame them. And whilst it is walkable it is a healthy walk away and let’s face it how many teenagers do you know that like to walk? Yes Poppy collects them and drops them off but this still isn’t somewhere they want to call home. This home says “I’m a victim”.
A by-chance text communication a few days ago revealed more of the story. Poppy is now off work with depression, probably exacerbated by swirling shaggy carpets and peach loo roll.
Now I’m not at all surprised by the revelation, and I felt so sad. A loving mother has left the family home because her marriage was totally shit, and together with her husband never planned the exit, the schedule with the children, and life beyond. She still contributes financially to the family home and pays her rent too (to her husband’s company!) and she has nothing.
In her desperation, she is now considering moving back to the family home to be near the children she misses so much. But this is the bit that gets me, no one is talking and Poppy told me she is proposing to live in the garden office!
“What!” I said “You are going to live in the garden and traipse up the garden path and use the bathroom and live like some third class citizen in your family home. Have some respect for yourself and worth. Has your husband offered to sleep in the office, or has there been a discussion about moving stuff around to make room for you in the actual house?” No there has not.
But who is to blame for this mess? Poppy is so low she can’t think straight and doesn’t want to spend any more money on rental and who can blame her. But this is the bit that gets me, her husband has always made her feel stupid, irrational, and worthless and he is doing it again.
Here is the Rob and Helen scenario from The Archers being played out; the controlling husband who appears to be calm and helpful but playing his wife and vulnerability like a violin, the absolute bastard. And the children, well they’ve been brainwashed too, and the whole thing is just dire. I have told Poppy she should only move back if she has a proper bedroom, but in truth, she shouldn’t go back at all. I think they should sit down and talk about the finances, the children, and the future, and she should no longer contribute towards the family house if she is renting. But what I really want is for him to move out and let her live in the home with their children.
He has controlled her for too long, we have all watched it over the years, and she is too weak now that she can’t see it. When someone makes you think you’re useless, you become that person.
I want Poppy to be strong, fight for her rights but how can I make her?
Like I said at the beginning, maybe I’m wrong and off the radar but somehow I don’t think so.