As my father’s cancer has started to take hold and his markers have begun to increase significantly, despite being on the wonder drug, he has made it clear he will be opting for dying with dignity.
His assisted suicide will take place in Zurich, Switzerland at Dignitas.
He has been very clear about his wishes, and we have all witnessed his determination and activity to make this choice a reality. To qualify for Dignitas you first must become a member.
The next step is determining when the right time is. You must be able to get yourself to Switzerland and able to administer the medicine unaided.
At the beginning of this year as his health started to dip with no possibility of reversing it, he went about the final process of confirming his choice and committing to a date with death.
It has involved confirming he is terminal and then the endless form filling to comply with Dignitas requirements. He has had to prove who he is, submit his birth certificate, marriage certificate, letters from consultants, and more. And then the payment of the fee. What I was interested to learn, and you may be too, is 11,000 Euros.
The date is April 18th, 2023.
As I type that date my palms get sweaty.
I respect the decision but have never been part of a discussion about his choice. Or been asked about my thoughts or had any input into how to make the last few months meet his expectations, grant wishes or offer any support.
In December 2022 during a family Zoom call, my brother, and his wife, myself and my dad and wife. Dad gave us all an update and indicated his plans. I asked him if he had a bucket list or some things he would like to do before his health deteriorated further.
He paused for a few moments and said he did have a few things he’d like to do. And they were as follows: travel to Hong Kong to see friends, enjoy some more meals with friends. After he finished speaking, he said “sorry, am I missing something?”
To which I replied, “I see there was no mention of a get-together with your family!”
Silence.
You may be interested to learn who he has asked to accompany him on this one-way trip from Malaysia where he resides, to Switzerland.
Colin, who lives upstairs in the same apartment block as my dad. Noel, dad’s wife is not travelling with him. I initially thought this was her choice, but I’ve recently discovered she wasn’t given a choice, asked, or consulted. She was told.
Stuart and I have been invited to Switzerland.
An unusual invitation that challenges my desire to do the right thing, deep emotions, and makes me reflect on life, and my relationship with my father.
My dad didn’t attend my wedding.
My dad has been absent from my life for all significant events and support.
My dad has chosen an expat life and is proud to live abroad and enjoy the highlife that his choices have afforded him.
My dad who doesn’t ever send a birthday card.
My dad doesn’t really DO family.
My dad recently asked me to identify each of my children to him from a photo, as he didn’t recognise them.
My dad who is my father and has set the bar so low for my expectation of how a father and daughter relationship should be, that when I see how my friends behave with their dad, it is so foreign, I can’t believe it and I feel envious. Imagine having that, I think. A dad that is invested in you, thinks you’re amazing and supports you.
I have accepted our relationship. I rarely challenge it. In the past, it was a continuous disappointment. At one stage in my life when he was truly horrid, I wanted him to pay me off, so he was no longer my dad. Who was I kidding, that he’d actually pay me off?
Over the years I have worked out ways to navigate my emotions and lower my expectations.
A meet-up where we chat and have a pleasant conversation is now enough. I measure a successful meet-up when there is no animosity or undercurrent, and I leave feeling relaxed.
A get together when he shows some interest and engagement in my life is a huge deal.
To put this in context, we probably see each other once every three years on average.
I have always felt if I expected more, say anything that challenges or potentially riles him, or mutter something that suggests our relationship is unsatisfactory or I want more, I will receive a torrent of words and end up feeling worse. It is likely he will turn the tables and blame me for my part. Because he can be very spiteful and hurtful.
Hence, I always try to maintain a status that will not challenge or upset what little balance I can have, or feel I have created.
Recently seeing a frail old man during my six-day trip to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia where I was afforded three opportunities to see him, I felt sadness for what is now the impending end of our relationship.
Even traveling halfway around the world to see him, I had one lunch in a café with him, one evening out with him and friends, and finally a leisurely lunch before we departed the following morning.
Was it worth the trip?
Yes, because I managed to say things and finally understand that he doesn’t know how or want to be a more invested family member.
He won’t change, and it’s too late anyway.
I do love him.
And it’s good to recognise love is something we can’t always control or fully appreciate but it’s extremely powerful.
Not all relationships are satisfactory, and we need to know that it’s not our fault.
I am enough.
I am worthy of more.
He does love me, in his way. It just isn’t enough for me, and it has never been demonstrated in a way that satisfies or leaves a feeling of harmony.
As I move forward in my life I am happy that I haven’t repeated his example of parenting, and I now know it is not normal and I have recently allowed myself permission to admit it has been a tough journey.