Where do you go when the collaborative process seems to truly break down and you have paid thousands of pounds with no resolve?
You wait. You think. You pray, that a resolution can be found and that sense will prevail.
For richer, for poorer in sickness and in health.
Well it’s certainly costing lots and making me ill, so that’s ok then!
If you visualise, imagine hard enough you really hope upon hope you can make something positive happen. I am trying. I am hoping that a middle ground can be found. A meeting point. A chance for us to move on.
Sometimes if I think about the situation I find myself in for too long, I panic. My heart races, I feel desperate, hemmed in, trapped and just want to run away. But I can’t and I wont. So breathe deeply and think of the good things I have and calm myself.
Not one part of life is currently stable, certain. I am told the boys are going to be away for Christmas, a whole two weeks. I can’t bare the thought. But when I have asked to see flight details I have been refused. Possibly because they don’t exist. How can I make plans if I don’t know if they will really be away. I secretly hope they wont be away, as Christmas is such a difficult time to be a part from your children, even when they drive you nuts on occasion. Christmas is a family time, I love it. The boys and I have rituals and after 16 years, I can’t believe I wont be with them or near them for two weeks over the festive season. It makes me want to go away too. Somewhere where Christmas becomes insignificant and I wont miss them as much.
It would seem after all this time that selling the current family home is going to be the only way to settle the financial situation. Still nothing is agreed and so no timescales have been set. More uncertainty.
Work is going through some big changes, which is unsettling too. Fortunately with so much going on in my personal life I am not able to dwell on it too much. However at times I find it unsettling.
I am also due to start a course in October which is to be funded by work. However there is a disclaimer that if I leave the work place within two years I am liable to pay the course fee. A risk I don’t want to take when the work environment is so uncertain, so do I start the course? Another unknown!
With the prospect of having to obtain a mortgage anytime in the near future, holding onto my current job is important for a mortgage application. So I must keep my head down and wait. Yet more waiting. Never has an impatient, control freak had to wait so much, for so many elements out of her control. I definitely deserve a gold star.
So I am praying like mad, hoping so hard that sense is going to prevail and DH will want to resolve this stale-mate soon and we can find a compromise, a solution and move forwards.
VISUALISE: IMAGINE: MAKE HAPPEN.